Jaipur versus Calcutta

I've been in Jaipur for a week now and have had some time to see and experience a little bit of the city. The biggest thing I've noticed, Jaipur and Calcutta couldn't be more different if they tried. I think the only thing that they really have in common is the smell of India. In fact, if I didn't know better, I would think that they weren't even in the same country!

For instance....

Jaipur is pretty..... Calcutta is pretty ugly
Jaipur is hot and dry.... Calcutta is hot and humid
Jaipur has camels pulling carts of stuff... Calcutta has wiry Indian men pulling rickshaws
Jaipur is clean... Calcutta is dirty
Jaipur has men wearing loose flow-ey all white clothes complete with white turbans working in the fields... Calcutta has men wearing trousers and button up shirts driving yellow cabs
Jaipur has monkeys... Calcutta has rats, the size of monkeys

While overall Jaipur is more pleasing to the palate.... my heart still belongs to Calcutta.

Complaint Department

There are not many things in India that bother me. I can look past the stares, the dirt, the smells. Although if you ask me at the right time and the right place, I may take that back about the smells.

But there are two things that get under my skin to no avail about being in India.

The first one, everyone expects me to eat more than I do. I know I am a big woman. I'm tall and fat, have big hands and big feet. I'm not the typical tiny, petite little India. I stand out wherever I go. However, just because i'm the size I am, does NOT mean that I can eat an entire bag of rice. I was going to say an entire side of beef, but they don't eat beef here and at this point in time, I might actually be able to pull that one off because i miss beef. Regardless, I eat to the point that I'm satisfied and I get looked at as if "that's it!? But you're so big, you must be able to fit more food in there somewhere!". I know it's all in good intentions. Indians are very hospitable and food is a big part of their life as is being able to share their food and ensuring the satisfaction of those around them. But for once, I wish they would understand the meaning of "no, i'm full, thank you!".

The second is their belief that because I'm a big western woman, i'm incapable of walking any length of distance. Again, I know this is meant in their best interest of taking care of me. But I like walking. Walking helps me lose weight, which has definitely been happening. Walking helps keep me healthy and fit. Just because I'm big, doesn't mean I can't or won't walk a mile in the hot sun. If anything, because I'm big is all the more reason for me to do so. For several reasons, weight loss being one, and proving that big people can do all the stuff the wiry little Indians can do as well.

That's all for the complaint department. I just had to get it off my chest. It'd been bugging me for awhile now and today just added some more to it to the point of needing to vent. :)

Choices and Decisions

I find myself within about 10 days of when I need to make a decision about what route this trip is going to take. Originally my choices were to either cut the trip short or hang in there for the whole duration. While at one point, I thought the issues that arose to make me have to even consider this decision had been sorted. I've since realized that they haven't. I'm still trying to sort things out. However, now my choices have multiplied.
Not only have my choices multiplied, but they are things that I've always wanted to pursue. I'm having doors opened to me that I never would have imagined. Also I'm realizing that I might be having to strengthen my faith muscles quite a bit.
I've been asked, a few times, to pray about being on staff here in Jaipur with the YWAM team I'm currently staying with. They mentioned this before I ever left the states, but I was so caught up with the entire trip that I didn't give it as much thought as I should have. Now that I'm here, and especially now that I've learned a little more about the city, I'm starting to wonder if this is indeed where I'm meant to be for a bit. A bit longer than I'd originally intended.
I've been given the opportunity to refine my talents in photography in a way that can bring glory to my amazing God. While at the same time, I learned this morning that Jaipur is a city that is hard for a woman to live in. Girls are forced to marry at very young ages, female babies are aborted, simply because they are female, there are lots of different areas of oppression for women here. This might explain why i've been feeling the way i have for the last few days. Not really like myself. But it also breaks my heart for the women here. Because of the things I've been through in my life, I have a soft spot for women. More so than just the fellow woman sympathy for things that people go through. But I find myself genuinely wanting to help women overcome challenging, crippling circumstances.
I suddenly find myself asking, where else can I go and be fulfilled both creatively and spiritually?
But I also find myself looking at my bank account and asking, how is this going to work!?
If I make the wrong decision, the impact could be devastating. It could be devastating either way really... to miss an opportunity that God has dropped in my lap could have just as large of an impact as running out of money while I'm serving him in a foreign country. Just different impacts.
I said to God, if you want me to do this, then make x, y & z happen. It's not that I doubt that he'll meet my requirements. But it's that, if I make him take away the challenges, how do I learn to grow in my faith? But that also brings me back to, what if I make the wrong decision and run out of money. I guess what part of that boils down to at the end of the day is, as long as I'm serving God, he'll take care of me. But I've been out of his will for so long, I want nothing more than to make sure I'm wholeheartedly wrapped in it now.

Decisions, decisions.....

Darjeeling

I went on an impromptu trip to Darjeeling with some ladies that I met while in Calcutta. We left as traveling companions and returned as friends!

It was the first time I've ever taken a sleeping train, much less one in India. I had the wonderful privilege of having the middle bunk, of three and was beyond exhausted on our arrival. It was a beautiful 3 hour drive up windy treacherous roads. I'm actually amazed I didn't get car sick. And we made sure we locked the doors so no one would fall out.

The few days we were there were full of eating. We ate a LOT! Including having high tea at the one fancy hotel in Darjeeling. And also rode the toy train, went to tiger hill to see the sunrise. Which no one saw because it was so cloudy. We also toured a tea plantation on the way back down the mountains.

End with the grand finale of me getting horribly sick on the train ride back home. This time I was on the top bunk of three. There's nothing quite like having to climb down in the middle of the night and puking and crapping your brains out in an Indian train toilet. If this can be avoided, I would highly recommend the avoidance route to any fellow travelers!

Regardless, I made it home safe and sound. Had a few new "moms" to take care of my sick self when we got home and survived enough to head off to Jaipur the following day. Even if I wasn't a lot of fun to be around that last day in Calcutta.

A few pictures for your viewing pleasure!! :)

One month in Calcutta!

Yesterday marked the official full month since I'd arrived in Calcutta. And now tonight I leave for Darjeeling on the night train and will only be back in town for a day before I leave Calcutta for good to see more of India. I say 'for good' now, but I have a sneaking suspicion I will be back to Calcutta. Back for a longer duration. Back to possibly call it my home.

It's hard to believe it's been a month. It's been long and short all at the same time. There were moments when I wanted to get the hell out of this city. And now that the time has finally come for me to move on, I don't want to go. Who knew that I could grow to love such a dirty chaotic stinky annoying place so much. Who knew that I could form friendships in a month that feel as though I've known these people for years. I feel at home here. I don't notice the stares any longer, I know where I'm going and how to get around and I have family here.

I told Martin yesterday while I was visiting with him, that I might be white on the outside, but I'm brown like an Indian on the inside.

Here are a few of the everyday things I see that I've grown to love and cherish!

Wedding Crashers

I've had the privilege of becoming friends with Martin the tailor... his sister even! :) Can you see the resemblance!

Because of this, I was the lucky recipient of an invitation to a real Indian wedding. However, this was not a Hindu wedding it was a Muslim wedding. Not sure what all the differences are. From what I could tell, the attire of the bride and groom looked the same as what I've seen around. The only thing I know for sure is that the first year of marriage is called the "engagement". They are married, they've exchanged rings and they will live together as a married couple. But they are engaged. Then in their case, in December, they'll have the HUGE reception. This is where the party will really happen. The feast I went to last night was the engagement dinner and was for family only. Except for the 7 white people who were obviously not family.

What a night! I know I'd imagined how neat it would be to get invited to a wedding while I was here, but I didn't expect it to actually happen. We were treated like guests of honor. By these people who didn't even know us! They wanted us to take pictures with the bride. The videographer and photographer made sure to get pictures of us interacting with the others there. All the guests were very curious about us. Asking questions, complimenting us on our outfits. I will admit, dressing up in a sari with all the jewelery was a LOT of fun!


They made sure we ate first and made sure we had more than enough to eat. The food was absolutely amazing. I had some stuff I don't even know what it was, but I'd try it again. Luckily no undercover mangos!

I consider myself lucky to have been allowed to participate in such a big day in this families life!

the bride and groom

the younger sister, bride, and mother of the bridethe youngest sister, a cousin and the younger brotherthe father of the bride, and I'm not sure the relation of the baby, either cousin, neice or grand daughter, but he was REALLY proud of her and showing her off to me!

Safety first... or not!!

Somehow, while I'm traveling, I manage to be accident prone. I can go for months, even years while at home without having to use a band-aid, much less go to the doctor. But it seems almost as if, the moment I leave the country, something in my body gets switched and I inadvertently find ways to hurt myself.

So yesterday, I got my nose pierced. Again. Yes, this is the second time I've had this done. The procedure was sterile and all that stuff that anyone getting a piercing should be concerned with. However, the process was not painless or carefree in any sense of the words. Apparently I have a thick nose made up of some hard cartilage. I remember three pushes, trying to get the stupid nose ring in and it wasn't quite done yet. I remember telling Jill and the guy that I was going to pass out. I remember leaning back so that when I did pass out, i wouldn't fall. Then I remember dreaming some really cool dream and being upset that someone was interrupting it. Yes, I passed out while I was getting my nose pierced. Apparently I was out for a good two minutes and had to be slapped around and have water thrown on me to finally wake me up. I hadn't had enough to eat and it was a VERY hot day. I think when I get home and have medical insurance I need to have my blood pressure checked. This isn't the first time recently that i've passed out. It was kind of scary... well, ok, really scary. Because first of all... i'm in freaking INDIA!! Not the place I would choose to pass out. And it took a while, like a long while, before I felt ok.

This whole scenario got me thinking... I seem to only really hurt myself while I'm abroad!

I had a very serious and severe cut to my hand while I was in Australia, that require actual surgery and physical therapy. I bashed my head against a steal beam in Cambodia. You can read about that here. Then I got a crazy, insane fungal infection when I first got to India that even startled the Indian doctor! And to top it off, I passed out while getting my nose pierced.

It makes me nervous and slightly excited all at the same time. Nervous about what will happen next and excited about the adventure that will ensue!

Bamboo

The church I randomly attended this week had this story in their bulletin. It reminds me of similar story I've read before, but it's adapted to fit more with the lifestyle of India. Regardless, I can totally relate with the bamboo!

Once upon a time, in the heart of the Western Kingdom, lay a beautiful garden. And there, in the cool of the day, the Master of the garden was wont to walk. Of all the denizens of the garden, the most beautiful and most beloved was a gracious and noble bamboo. Year after year, bamboo grew yet more noble and gracious, conscious of his Master's love and watchful delight, but modest and gentle withal. And often when the wind came to revel in the garden, Bamboo would cast aside his grave stateliness, to dance and play right merrily, tossing and swaying and leaping and bowing in joyous abandon, leading the Great Dance of the garden, which most delighted the Master's heart. Now, once upon a day, the Master himself drew near to contemplate his Bamboo with eyes of curious expectancy. And Bamboo, in a passion of adoration, bowed his great head to the ground in loving greeting. The Master spoke: "Bamboo, Bamboo, I would use you." Bamboo flung his head to the sky in utter delight. The day of days had come, the day for which he had been made, the day to which he had been growing hour by hour, the day in which he would find his completion and his destiny. His voice came low: "Master, I'm ready. Use me as Thou wilt." "Bamboo," - The Master's voice was grave -- "I would have to take you and cut you down!" A trembling of great horror shook Bamboo... "Cut... me... down? Me... who thou, Master, has made the most beautiful in all thy Garden... cut me down! Ah, not that. Not that. Use me for the joy, use me for the glory, oh Master, but cut me not down!" "Beloved Bamboo," -The Master's voice grew graver still. Wind held his breath. Bamboo slowly bent his proud and glorious head. There was a whisper: "Master, if thou cannot use me other than to cut me down... then do thy will and cut". "Bamboo, beloved Bamboo, I would cut your leaves and branches from you also". "Master, spare me. Cut me down and lay my beauty in the dust; but would thou also have to take from me, my leaves and branches too?" "Bamboo, if I cut them not away, I cannot use you." The Sun hid his face. A listening butterfly glided fearfully away. And Bamboo shivered in terrible expectancy, whispering low: "Master, cut away" "Bamboo, Bamboo, I would yet... split you in two and cut out your heart, for if I cut not so, I cannot use you." Then Bamboo bowed to the ground: "Master, Master... then cut and split." So did the Master of the garden took Bamboo...
and cut him down....
and hacked of his branches....
and stripped of his leaves....
and split him in two...
and cut out his heart. And lifting him gently, carried him to where there was a spring of fresh sparkling water in the midst of his dry fields. Then putting one end of the broken Bamboo in the spring and the other end into the water channel in His field, the Master laid down gently his beloved Bamboo... And the spring sang welcome, and the clear sparkling waters raced joyously down the channel of Bamboo's torn body into the waiting fields. Then the rice was planted, and the days went by, and the shoots grew and the harvest came. In that day Bamboo, once so glorious in his stately beauty, was yet more glorious in his brokenness and humility. For in his beauty he was life abundant, but in his brokenness he became a channel of abundant life to his Master's world.

Mother Teresa

This weekend I started my time volunteering at the Missionaries of Charity; which is the charity that Mother Teresa founded in Calcutta. This charity started as one site and is now comprised of several located throughout Calcutta and I hear, even throughout India.

The day was fascinating and eye opening for me on several different levels.

First off, I woke up early, really early, let me remind you I am NOT a morning person. Regardless, it's a small sacrifice. I experienced a Catholic mass for the first time ever. Very interesting in some ways, very boring in lots of others. Lots of tradition and "ceremony" in mass. I like the fact that when I go to church, God has the freedom to move as he sees fit. But to each his own, and only God can judge the relationship and the heart.

For the next two weeks I'll be working in a relatively new center specifically for physically and mentally impaired women and girls. I will be brutally honest... when I got there and saw what was involved, I did not think I was cut out for it. I don't know how to interact with mentally impaired people. But what it all really boils down to, is there really isn't any right or wrong way. I just need to show them the same love and attention that I would show a normal person. I may be the only person that day who interacts with them in a way that's more than just tending to their immediate physical needs. That makes it sound like they're in a room all alone, which isn't the case. There are novices and sisters there taking care of them, but help is spread thin. Either way, by the end of my day there, I was feeling more comfortable, understanding more of what my purpose was there and I think I'll be ok.

By the way, I'll be going to the leper colony on the 21st. Need to do a little research on that disease!

It all puts everything into perspective. India in general does that! When I stop and look at the life the people here have to live, it suddenly makes my heartbreak and circumstances seem trivial and makes it easier for me to keep moving forward!

Chin up!! Keep moving forward!

Sometimes... well most times... I have to learn lessons the hard way. This also includes that sometimes God gives you what you've asked for. Even if after you get it, you might wish you hadn't received it.

I will try to make this the last, completely all about jeff post. That doesn't mean I will never mention the fact that i may be missing him. It just means it'll be the last post that he is the only subject of. If you need the history, go here and here.

I did a little detective work... more than I did previously. I had made other attempts at finding him on facebook and nothing ever turned up. Well yesterday, when I did this, low and behold, guess who has a facebook profile now. And guess who lied about everything! I asked God for the truth about who he was, but I didn't expect it to hurt so much when I got it.

It's been a random combination of feelings ranging from hurt, relief, anger, humiliation.... Ultimately, I'm glad I found all this out. It's nice to finally have a real sense of who this person actually is. It hurts that he felt he had to lie about himself. It's astonishing that he kept that lie going for over 2 years. It breaks my heart that instead of coming clean he just cut me off. It hurts that I had trust issues, and he finally got me to trust him, knew he got me to trust him, was happy that he got me to trust him and he still continued to lie, knowing what had happened in my past that created those trust issues. I still miss my friend. Despite the lies, he was a friend. Unfortunately that friend is gone now.

The small little thing I cling to, that helps a little, not much, but a little is the simple fact that I don't find him attractive and he looks angry, some would even say scary. You can see the anger in his eyes. That was the one thing that kept me from going back to my ex again for a third time, the anger in his eyes. Because I experienced a gentle, fun, playful side of Jeff, it's hard for me to think that he has the capacity to have so much anger inside of him. But then, he was lying about everything, so what do I really know. It's sad that he's so unhappy with himself that he had to make up a fantasy life. I'm not perfect by any means, but I'm fairly content with who I am and the life I live.

By the way, his name's not Jeff. I'm not going to give out any of his real information and even now as I know that's not his real name, I still think of him by that name. And again, this is just sort of a free therapy session for me. To get it all out, instead of keeping it bottled up inside me.

Life goes on... Chin up!! Keep moving forward!!

Allergies

I have the tragic ailment of being allergic to mangoes and pistachios. And probably cashews too, but haven't completely tested that one out. Whenever I have even just a tiny bit of these items, even if I eat something that was cooked with mango, but don't eat the mango itself, I get an awful allergic reaction. My lips swell up, I get tiny little bumps/blisters around the edges of my mouth and they itch and burn. It's very unenjoyable, even if the story of how I realized I had these allergies is quite funny.

Yesterday morning, I woke up to a slight allergic reaction... not full blown. Which leads me to believe I didn't consume much, probably just a taste of whichever culprit it was. Part of the reason it's so annoying, is it takes daaaaaaaays for the reaction to completely clear up. So now I sit around with bumpy itchy lips. :(

I also think I have some seasonal allergies. Because that cold I was fighting the other day, is sticking around and it's simply chest congestion. So I'm sitting around coughing up phlegm all day while my lips are bumpy and itchy. Isn't that a lovely picture. Oh yea, and did I mention my heart hurts in the midst of all this, so I've been more of an emotional wreck lately than I typically am.

Today I go to the Mother House to do orientation. After that's done, I can drop in to any of the locations I want, whenever I want to do volunteer stuff. At least then I'll have something to occupy my time with rather than just sitting around the BMS campus reading and being in the way of the staff. I feel like I'm wearing out my welcome in Calcutta. I leave in about 2 weeks, which I'm grateful for, even if I will miss this city. It'll be nice to go somewhere that I don't feel like Jeff is haunting me. It'll also be nice to be in the midst of YWAMers again. It's like instant family, just add water. :)

The Beatitudes

A couple weeks before I set off on this crazy adventure, I had a dream where the Bible reference Matthew 5:5-6 was very clearly present in the dream. So when I woke up, I looked it up to see what it was, thinking it would be some obscure line from a parable or the story of Jesus' life. It turns out, it was a couple of the Beatitudes. Specifically, Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth and blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled.

Since I've been so candid during the course of this blog, I might as well fess up about this. My relationship with God was not exactly where it should have been before I left. It was getting better as my departure got closer, but I was still wishy washy about it up until just a few weeks before I left. Part of the state of my relationship with God had to do with my relationship with Jeff and others. There were definitely parts of my life that were not up to the standard I knew they needed to be. As I realized Jeff was being taken away, I started to draw closer to God. Partly just out of sheer hurt and loneliness, and partly because it's where I knew I belonged.

Anyways, I said all that to say this. The hungering and thirsting for righteousness bit made sense to me because that's exactly where i was at when I had this dream. I was trying to put the pieces of my life back together in a way that would honor and glorify God. However the meek one was a bit baffling to me. So I just kinda shrugged my shoulders and was like, ok yeah, whatever God.

Flash forward a month or two to this weekend that just passed.....

I have been having a great time in India. I haven't experienced any of the problems I've heard about experienced by others. Others who have gone before me as well as those currently here that I've talked to. I am firm in my belief that part of it is God looking out for me, because I've been a bit fragile while here and there were definitely times where I would have packed up and gone home if the right set of things happened to me. I don't doubt or deny that. I believe some of the problems foreigners face lie in the attitudes and how they interact with people. We aren't in the US, it's not going to be like home, get over it, adapt and make it work.

Oh, so back to the meekness thing. Because I approach the country and it's people with respect and humbleness. I try to adapt to their way of doing things, however backwards they may feel to me. As a result, I've made friends, enjoyed smiles, felt welcome and haven't experienced any of the unpleasantness that I've heard about and witnessed.

One of the definitions of meek is humble. I really am inheriting the earth thru meekness!