Chin up!! Keep moving forward!

Sometimes... well most times... I have to learn lessons the hard way. This also includes that sometimes God gives you what you've asked for. Even if after you get it, you might wish you hadn't received it.

I will try to make this the last, completely all about jeff post. That doesn't mean I will never mention the fact that i may be missing him. It just means it'll be the last post that he is the only subject of. If you need the history, go here and here.

I did a little detective work... more than I did previously. I had made other attempts at finding him on facebook and nothing ever turned up. Well yesterday, when I did this, low and behold, guess who has a facebook profile now. And guess who lied about everything! I asked God for the truth about who he was, but I didn't expect it to hurt so much when I got it.

It's been a random combination of feelings ranging from hurt, relief, anger, humiliation.... Ultimately, I'm glad I found all this out. It's nice to finally have a real sense of who this person actually is. It hurts that he felt he had to lie about himself. It's astonishing that he kept that lie going for over 2 years. It breaks my heart that instead of coming clean he just cut me off. It hurts that I had trust issues, and he finally got me to trust him, knew he got me to trust him, was happy that he got me to trust him and he still continued to lie, knowing what had happened in my past that created those trust issues. I still miss my friend. Despite the lies, he was a friend. Unfortunately that friend is gone now.

The small little thing I cling to, that helps a little, not much, but a little is the simple fact that I don't find him attractive and he looks angry, some would even say scary. You can see the anger in his eyes. That was the one thing that kept me from going back to my ex again for a third time, the anger in his eyes. Because I experienced a gentle, fun, playful side of Jeff, it's hard for me to think that he has the capacity to have so much anger inside of him. But then, he was lying about everything, so what do I really know. It's sad that he's so unhappy with himself that he had to make up a fantasy life. I'm not perfect by any means, but I'm fairly content with who I am and the life I live.

By the way, his name's not Jeff. I'm not going to give out any of his real information and even now as I know that's not his real name, I still think of him by that name. And again, this is just sort of a free therapy session for me. To get it all out, instead of keeping it bottled up inside me.

Life goes on... Chin up!! Keep moving forward!!