Identity Theft

I've come to the realization that I found more of my identity in my job than I realized.

I'd spent the last 6 months looking forward to this week. When I wouldn't have to wake up every day and drag myself into a job that left me wanting more out of life. And now here I am and I feel... I don't know how to classify what I feel entirely. My friend blames part of it on the fact that my cars not working at the moment, so i'm house bound and have no way to really get out and do anything. Which, I'll admit, probably contributes to the way I'm feeling. But I don't think it's the root cause or the only cause for that matter.

This whole unemployed thing is taking a bigger toll on me than i would have ever thought. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting at home with the blinds closed and wrapped up in a blanket refusing to face the day or go on with my life. But I feel a loss and almost a little empty. Regardless of how much I didn't enjoy my job, I could always say, I'm Esther and I work at this place doing this. Now if I was to meet someone, what would I say? I'm Esther, I'm unemployed. Granted, I'm about to take off and travel the world, but that almost seems immature and juvenile compared to having a profession to proclaim and being responsible.

In addition to the feelings of losing my identity that was wrapped up in my job, I have nothing to do. I'm very proud of myself in the fact that I spend time alone, on purpose to make sure i can be content by myself. I think it's important for someone to be happy with themselves and to be able to enjoy being alone. Especially being single, I think this is important to achieve before getting into a relationship. So, for all this "spending time alone" stuff that I do... I'm always doing something. I've never taken time to be alone and to just sit and be still for an extended period of time. I HAVE to be DOING something. So being at home, with no job and no car is really REALLY starting to get to me. I don't know why I can't just sit and enjoy the peacefulness of not having to be anywhere or do anything, but it's excruciating. Part of me wonders if there's parts of me that I'll be forced to deal with and that's why I always keep myself busy. Or if it's just that I have that part of my dad in me where I can't sit still and not do anything. Which brings up memories of being a kid during summer vacation and different things that have happened in my life. Which as I think about it, probably explains the underlying need to be doing something. Like I'm searching for approval or recognition that I'm never going to get and don't need at this point in my life.

I guess what it all boils down to is... It's time to move on. I'm in a different era in my life and rather than question it, doubt it or fight it, I need to embrace it and adapt. It's time for me to learn how to stop and smell the roses and enjoy smelling them. Not just getting a whiff as I run by on my way to accomplish something else.