Letting go..... Part 2

About a month ago, I wrote a quick vague post about personal stuff happening and my need to let go.

Well, I feel as if now is a good time to expound on what I was referring to. Partly because I'm suffering from a very broken heart at the moment. And while I had hoped that things would work out the way I wanted them to, I reached a point today where I realized that was probably not going to happen. Sometimes putting what you're going through out to the universe helps make you feel better... cheap therapy so to speak.

About 2 1/2 years ago when I was still fairly fresh out of my relationship with Alex, I started communicating with a guy online. He sent me a yahoo IM out of the blue (found me in a yahoo group I was in at the time) and even though I wasn't very warm and friendly because I didn't want to have anything to do with a guy, he went on to stroke my ego. Long story short, we started talking more and more, feelings developed on both sides, plans for the future were made, etc etc etc.

We'll call this guy Jeff and during the course of our relationship we shared all different kinds of facts about ourselves, lovely and unlovely. I came to learn that he'd moved from the SF bay area to India, Calcutta to be specific. By the way, he didn't sound overly Indian. I won't lie, this information factored into my plans as they developed and is part of the reason why I decided to spend so much time here. Originally he was beside himself with excitement, so I assumed, everything must be kosher on his end. Then in November things started falling apart. In December he claimed to have lost his job and told me he wasn't good enough for me and couldn't start a relationship with the woman he wanted to marry while he was unhappy with himself. I didn't push, gave him his space and he came around and things started resuming normalcy.

Except I didn't bring up my impending trip.... not until the end of January when it was time for me to book my trip. I felt I owed it to him to remind him of my plans and make sure he was fully aware of my plans before I booked my ticket. While part of me constantly wishes I could go back and re-do this moment, I believe everything works out in the end. So he started to get a little panicky on the phone and told me that he needed to process it and calm down and would call me the next day. I haven't heard from him since. I've tried texting him, no response. I've sent him messages on yahoo IM, no response. I've called and he doesn't answer my calls or call me back.

It hurts... being ignored suddenly by someone you love and who claimed to love you back and who brought up marriage and family and all those things a woman wants. So I kept hoping I'd be able to get in touch with him and at least meet this person that I'd talked to for so long at least for a cup of coffee. Put an actual person with the words and voice. This morning I was a mess. I couldn't stop crying. All I could really do was cry, and cry I did. God is a wonderful comforter. When I started feeling better I decided to do something I should have done a while ago. I already knew his cell phones were based in Mumbai, but it's not uncommon for someone to have a cell phone from a different area than where they're living. I know I did for a long time! I decided to look up a couple restaurants he'd mentioned in conversation, that he'd gone to, more than once. Turns out they're in Mumbai.

So now, the only thing I can really assume from all this, is he's lied. Been lying. Who knows what else he's lied about. It hurts yes, but more than that, it makes me mad! It also puts me in a position where I have no more hope to cling to. The only thing I really can do now, is let go, for real this time.

If nothing else, he helped remind me how to love myself and take care of myself and always told me how wonderful I was, which over time has sunk in that I do believe it again. So now, everyone knows my dirty little secret. The thing I kept so close to my chest and guarded, that would cause me to smile to myself and gave me happy butterflies. And it's all come to an end and now I have to pick up the pieces of my heart and move on with my life in my adventure.