I continuously post random toilet events on my facebook account and have never thought about doing a blog post about them. Which is odd, because India brings instant thoughts of diarrhea, stomach troubles and unsavory toilets to most peoples minds. Then I was talking to my mom the other day and she mentioned that all her co-workers have toilet humor conversations and my FB postings have added fuel to the poo fire!
Sooo, to the faculty at COTH... this one's dedicated to you! :)
By the way, this post is not for the weak of stomach or easily offended. So if you're grossed out by toilet humor and bodily functions that everyone experiences.... quit reading now!
I've managed to make it through the majority of my time in India without any major stomach problems, up until the last couple of weeks. On the way back to Calcutta from Darjeeling I got a nasty stomach bug. I found myself climbing down from the top of a triple bunk bed and making my way to the toilet on the train at about 1 in the morning. In general, having to use the toilet in India is not necessarily a pleasant experience! Luckily, the places I've stayed at have had western toilets, and I've managed to avoid having to use a squatty potty except for a time or two. Thankfully, enough tourists use the Indian trains that they've included a western toilet as one of the options on the train. Squat toilet on one side of the train car, western on the other side of the train car. Another fortunate thing for me in this instance is that the sink is right next to the toilet. Which means that when you are sitting on the toilet, crapping everything you ate out onto the train tracks you can easily lean over and puke the remaining remnants into the sink. I wonder if this could be considered multi-tasking? And yes, you read that earlier sentence correctly.... the toilets have no reservoir, everything is immediately relocated to the train tracks as soon as it leaves your body! This makes waiting for your train at the train station and aromatically disturbing experience!! The other fortunate thing about getting sick on a train in india, or really any standard non tourist toilet in India is the smell. It stinks!! It's stomach churningly stinky. Typically this would be disturbing, however when you feel the urge to puke rising in your stomach, you don't have to wait as long for it to actually be over and done with. The aroma of the toilet will help speed along the process. All I had to do was take some deep breaths while i was emptying my bowels and the vomiting had commenced! Unfortunately after round one of this delicate dance with the Indian train toilet I wasn't done. I didn't feel quite normal yet so I sat around the bathroom waiting for round two, and three and yes, even four. There was a cockroach hanging out with me... I named him Ralph. No, i'm not kidding, I really did name him.
That was phase one of my stomach troubles in India and happened about 2 weeks ago. It took me a few days before my stomach didn't turn at the smell of food, but I bounced back and had my appetite back within about 4 days. This brings us to phase two...
Saturday I decided to indulge in Pizza Hut. By the way, since I left home in February, this is only the third time I've eaten American food! I haven't been eating much at the base because... well just because, I won't get into specifics. So I was hungry and wanted some familiar food that I knew would taste good and i could pig out on. Everything was going great, until about an hour after I'd eaten. I suddenly had an urge to run to the bathroom. Of all the things I've eaten in India... and I've eaten some stuff, Pizza Hut is what gives me diarrhea the consistency of water. Go figure! I thought, oh, it's just the grease/oil, it'll pass in an hour or two. Oh no, this liquid poo lasted for 3 days!! We are talking absolutely NO solidity to the state of it at all. It sounded like pee and had the consistency of pee... well chunky pee, I checked. I actually thought of the term, liquid gold, that's what it reminded me of. LOL! Ok, that was gross, even for me that might have gone to far.
Oh but I'm not done...
Hopefully this isn't a phase, but for the sake of being consistent, we'll say phase three of my stomach issues. Just this morning (hopefully no one in Jaipur will be reading this!) I was in the kitchen chopping stuff up for breakfast when I felt the urge to fart. Typically I fart in the open, as long as it's not loud, with no remorse. There's always a smell in India so no one would even know you farted, they'd just pass it off as the constant aroma of India. So, here I am, minding my own business, alone in the kitchen, chopping onions, relaxing myself to let out a fart when lo and behold... that was not JUST a fart!! I scurry away to the bathroom to confirm what I feared, and even worse... liquid gold was back! Luckily, that was it's solo appearance for the day, and so far I haven't had any recurrences. Here's a tip for anyone who might decide to take a trip to India... do NOT buy new underwear for your trip. It will be a waste of money! Take old pairs that are holey and already stained.... you'll thank me for this tip some day!!
And one final thought... men have it so much easier here. On many levels, but the most prominent being that they can pee whenever and wherever they want. It doesn't matter where you're at, you don't have to look far to find a man standing with his legs spread and a stream of liquid exiting him. I've seen this in a field with the guy driving the motorcycle waiting at the side of the road, i've seen this against a wall at a busy street, absolutely no discretion at all! Everywhere you turn, there's a guy peeing. Oh to be a man in India!!
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