A Hard Broken Heart

I do not like to cry!! I might even say I hate crying.

I can't tell you exactly when this aversion to crying began, except that it was sometime during my relationship with Alex. When I left him, I refused to cry. I had already cried so much during the relationship because of him, I didn't want to give him the power of causing more tears. That's a pretty sick statement, but it was a pretty sick relationship!

I realized today that during the course of my relationship with Alex, my heart went hard. I didn't allow myself to feel things or be open. Part of this was a defense mechanism on many levels. That doesn't mean it was or is healthy. I have also realized that I have a lot of tears that should have been shed over the last few years that I have kept bottled up and buried deep within me.

While the healing process of making a broken heart become whole takes place some tears have been shed. Probably not as many as a normal person would shed, but a lot for me. Until the last week. I have been a little bit of a mess! Crying for no reason. Well, I say no reason, but I have very valid reasons to cry. I've been unable to keep the tears in, despite my best efforts and intentions.

This morning during the group prayer and worship time I started crying and I couldn't really stop. No one will ever understand how embarrassing this is for me. Crying is not allowed!!! I feel like an idiot when I cry.

I had a revelation today....
I was never meant to have a hard heart. No one is meant to have a hard heart for that matter. But I realized today that God is in the process of making my heart soft again. Which means me overcoming my hang ups about crying as well as getting all those tears and feelings out that I've had bottled up inside of me for so long.

My broken heart healing process is three fold. I grieve the loss of Jeff. I grieve the loss of Alex, even if he was a jerk, and it's over 3 years over due. And I allow my heart to soften again; to allow myself to cry again. To cry and not be ashamed.